Thursday, June 12, 2014

5 Reasons to Stick to Happy Hour including Stretchmark Man: Barfly #6

Shot sampler:
Royal Flush
Lemon Drop
Grand mariner

Recently I went out at night, not my usually happy hour time, and it felt very strange like a shoe that didn't quite fit. Here are the things that freak out happy hour drinkers (in my opinion) when they go out late at night.

1.Some night drinkers have been out since happy hour. People were very drunk (I mean obliterated), and it wasn't a holiday or anything. Yes, I probably would've been one of them in my youth when my son was merely a glimmer in the eye of my future. However, I felt out of place. I contemplating catching up so I wouldn't stick out like a sober thumb, but the threat of a hangover and having to care for a two-year old at 8 am made that thought fleeting. I merely people watched and realized I did not actually miss those days where I could stay up all night and sleep the day away. I get a lot done now during the day which takes us to number 2.

2. If you're used to days, at night you hardly can hang. I was tired; I mean ready for bed exhausted. I don't go to bed early by any means, but being out at midnight was much more taxing than curling up with a book or writing. Each beer made me increasingly more tired; where I normally would get a buzz, I got sleepy. Now I get why alcohol is a depressant. As soon as I got home, I was out cold.

3. At night, put on your best face, since every other girl does. So, I dolled myself up--for me that is a nice shirt, jeans, flops, and some eye makeup. I was going to a laid back kind of bar so I fit in...sort of. There were some girls there that looked very high maintenance like it took them two hours to get ready. Their clothes were flashy, trendy, and dressy, whereas the men were in T-shirts and jeans. These girls held looks as a higher priority than most, and it was obvious they felt the need to impress rather than just have fun. I hadn't seen that level of dedication in a while. Happy hour people roll in with their work clothes on, makeup worn off, and are looking to unwind. It was obvious these night drinkers were on the prowl for men and there were a lot of men at this locals' bar. This brings me to number 4.

4. At night, you will get hit on by some drunk guy. It doesn't matter how dolled up you are, how thin, how beautiful, some guy will find you his type and hit in you. Whether it is just friendly conversation or full on one-liners you can laugh about later, some guy will give you attention. Some girls enjoy this. I won't lie it had been a while since I was hit on (happy hour rarely has those men around that will buy you free drinks), so some innocuous comment would've fluffed my ego. No, my luck was I got THAT guy, the one that crosses the imaginary lines that society puts up for propriety purposes. This takes us to number 5.

5. At night, someone drunk is more likely to piss you off.
Okay, so drunk people are annoying no matter what time of day, but with reference to number 1, these are the people that tend to cause trouble at night. For example, a guy came up to me with the classic "Do I know you?" ice breaker, but I really felt as if I had seen him around. He probably was just a local and I've been in the same town, in the same haunts, for 15 years. Now, I've made the mistake of allowing the conversation to progress and backing out now would be rude. The guy was drunk and my friend and I were waiting to order drinks. He rambles that our exes might've known each other (which I think was a crafty ploy to see my dating status), which is not the case. After an explanation of my happy ten year marriage, you think he'd go away, but no. He laments I'm taken and says, "It's just too bad because you've got everything going on!" Yeah, I'm not falling for that. I brush him off with a whatever and he becomes insistent that I've got a great body (mind you I still have 5 lbs of baby weight that turned into pure fat after my knee injury and inability to exercise). I'm thinking he's ridiculously drunk, but after trying to get him disinterested by saying I have a kid too and I don't look like I used to, he next has to discern my age and is surprised since I'm older than I look. He's not deterred; in fact, he loves "a little cushion for the pushin' know what I mean?" followed by a creepy laugh. Then  he actually attempts to pull my shirt up a tad to see my love handles and stretch marks; only I don't have much in the stretch mark department having had a premature son. Finally, there's a roadblock in his admiration. He's disappointed my body doesn't have more stretch marks and now, although I'm happy he might go away, I'm thinking, "What a weirdo!" I get my drink and leg it back outside with our other friends. 
Then we use the restroom before we leave later that night. When my friend and I come out, there is Stretchmark Man. He hits on me again and tries to get us to go to another bar with him but of course that's never going to happen. He's louder than before and obviously very drunk. A woman comes out of the bathroom, a markedly older woman probably about 20 years older than us. She comes up to him and asks what he's doing, what's going on, etc. all while she gives my friend and me the I-want-to-squash-you-like-a-bug look. He gets all apologetic to her and we sneak away leaving the bar. Outside we laugh and joke about his girlfriend-mom, but I'm really angry. This guy annoyed me for about a half hour of my two hour outing and almost ruined my night, not to mention I felt bad for the woman if she was his girlfriend. One of my guy friends that was with us says I should be flattered even if I wasn't interested, but that set me off and my friend who witnessed it defended me. He crossed several lines from touching me, trying to see my fat bits, to blatantly hitting on women right in front if his date. Overall, he was a scumbag that made me not want to venture out at night ever again. 
I'm sure I'll go out at night one day again, but in all honesty I'm not looking forward to it. Free drinks are just not worth dealing with drunk guys like Stretchmark Man. I'll stick to happy hour with my friends, venting about work, and paying for my own drinks thank-you-very-much.

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